Conversation patterns that stop conflicts before they start
It’s better to avoid setting a flame than having to scramble to look for a fire extinguisher while your kitchen is ablaze. The heat of conflict is part of every relationship, but preventing an argument before it begins is a skill more valuable than knowing how to put out a fire. The process of resolving conflicts has the potential to be a positive experience for a couple. Learning from past conflict resolutions is the key to preventing arguments from initiating. Knowing what has worked in the past is the place to start if you want to know how to prevent a blowup from happening.
It is important to keep in mind that an argument is never about the thing you are fighting about but rather the way in which the conflict is resolved. If both people continue to hash out their side of the story without seeking for resolutions then they are missing the point. When you are in a relationship with someone the fighting and the arguing is an opportunity for connection. Growth and cohesion comes from mutual problem solving whereby each member of the couple plays a part in solving the disagreement.
Recurring conflicts indicate underlying deficits in problem-solving abilities. Never loose sight of the opportunity to learn something from each relationship hurdle. Once you know the patterns of how issues typically escalate within your relationship then it’s time to strategize with your partner. The most cohesive moments for a couple happen when both lovers are calm and feeling safe. Moments of serenity are the stage for preventing future arguments. When your partner in a state of low-stress and high-concentration, initiate a conversation about how to accommodate each other’s needs. This produces a different way to communicate that is not charged with intense dialogue and hurt feelings. Establishing a pattern where one partner responds to the other’s requests without negative emotion is the manner by which issues are resolved. Also, remember that it’s okay to ask for what you want and have the other person solely respond to your request. Just because your partner comes to you with a request doesn’t mean it’s also time for you to unload. Stay focused on what the request is and set a separate time aside for your issue to be resolved at a different time.
Cohesive couples use a strength-based approach to conversations. Instead of critiquing one another, both should work towards a common goal of looking for ways to change patterns of conflict. Don’t wait for a fight to feel emboldened to ask for what you want. Be proactive and shift conversation patterns to a place that feels both safe and resilient so that you can enjoy your time together and not waste energy putting out fires.