Validate Others Before Seeking It For Yourself

It is not hard to figure out when you are satisfied. Feeling satiated and content is an unmistakable experience; you just simply ‘are.’ And it feels good. And because of that we seek after satisfying feelings throughout much of our daily life. Being satisfied physically is different than feeling satisfied on an energetic level.

 

Sometimes we seek after satisfaction in a way that produces misguided results. Often, because it feels good to be told we look thin or that we are special or that someone thinks we are smart, we seek after that type of validation. We waste so much time worrying about what others think about us, what they say about how we look and what they think about how we act. When we seek after validation we set ourselves up for an illusion of misrepresented values. The person who seeks validation from others is the person who has lost sight of the bigger picture.

 

The truth is, only you can validate you. Rather than seeking after the validation of others, be the person who validates. Instead of searching for feedback and opinions that signal to you that you are ‘good enough,’ be the agent for others to see something great within themselves. This shift in perspective allows for you to be a motivating factor in getting more out of your interactions with others.

 

Applaud those things that validate your existence instead of your appearance. Validate the effort it takes to get to a state of peace. Validate the results by giving importance to how you got there and why you took the journey in the first place. The best way to validate others is to hold the present moment sacred and let go of the outcome.

 

Approaching a child, sensing their mood and guessing what they need is an experience most of us have encountered. There’s hesitation, playfulness and even a challenge to stretch yourself to a state we are not accustomed to in the adult word. We put on a silly mood or attempt to be imaginative even when it is not in our nature. It is a most intuitive and sacred moment to meet a child where they are at, not physically, but energetically.

 

by Sarah Morgan

Art by Sarah Morgan

 

Sometimes we need to meet our own selves where we are at. This self-reflective act of being curious with ourselves, of taking a moment to pause and give space for that which is of-the-moment, is a necessary step in relinquishing the ego and experiencing peace of mind. It is said that achieving happiness can never be a lasting goal because life brings with it moments of sadness, of disappointment and even anger. Emotions that are authentic to each moment should be met with reverence instead of pushing them away because of who we think we should be and how we wish ourselves to be seen by others. It is appropriate to be sad at times and it is acceptable to be angry. Those emotions do not define who you are. But “peace of mind” can be found in every encounter, even when the emotions present are uncomfortable.

 

Learning how to meet ourselves authentically where we are at in any given moment is a skill that produces more than just authenticity, it allows for a peace of mind that can resonate with any emotional state and any human encounter. No matter how challenging or difficult a situation, you can meet yourself where you are at. Without pushing, pretending or hiding we can accept ourselves in the allowance of where we are at from moment to moment and learn to be exactly what we are. There is no emotion too great, no situation too enormous that we cannot hold it and reflect with it. Be that person who looks inward with curiosity so that in every encounter you can meet yourself and hold space for all that you are.

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Wanting to be validated can sometimes detract from the reasons why we perform certain functions. We go to the gym to loose weight. We seek financial guidance so we can see our monetary funds are maximized. In life, we make choices that will lead to the most fortuitous outcome. We rarely act in a way that dissuades us from the optimal end result. Yet, in moments of fighting for the perfect grade and planning for the most desired aesthetic, we loose sight of the process.

 

“The process” can mean many different things. The process can refer to a perspective of joy within the journey and it can also mean living-in-the-moment without worry for what comes next.  A shift in perspective from the desired outcome towards an awareness of our moment-to-moment reality is a challenge. Society programs us to be outcome oriented, goal driven and obsessed with measuring results. Yet as individuals, we have the power to choice where our attention should be directed.

 

Play the audio of gratitude when attempting to perform mundane tasks. Remind yourself that in every task there is an opportunity for growth and expansion. Don’t get lost in the pull towards success, only to find yourself feeling empty at the end of the finish line. Validation should not take precedence over the state of peacefulness that comes from allowing.

Think of how it feels to love someone so much that you would do anything for them. Feel that feeling of being so consumed with eagerness to protect another person without reserve. Be present to what it means for you to have pure concern for the wellness of someone you love. As humans, it is our job to learn how to do that for ourselves.
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Why is it that we disregard our own need for care and empathy? How can we be so dismissive of our own need for forgiveness. There must be a way that society teaches us to keep moving without reverence for self-compassion because it is evident that people do not love themselves enough. That is what mindfulness is; being compassionate towards the self. That is what meditation is; being empathic with the self. When a friend comes to you and tells you his or her problems, you don’t automatically start to fix them or brush those problems aside. When a friend is in need of comfort you comfort them. When your loved one is upset and distraught you care for them. The same should be said about your relationships with yourself and to yourself. You deserve better, in fact you deserve your very best.
Be good to who you are. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to you. Love your flaws. Care for your mishaps. Be present with your lack of perfection. Love the person you are entirely and without reservation. When this type of love flourishes in your life, you will have more than enough to be grateful for.

Clarity is one of the greatest resources because it frees us up energetically to spend more time pursuing who we want to be. Instead of wasting time with arduous decision making moments, the gift of clarity propels us to achieve important life goals. Moments of indecision take power away from your here-and-now experience. Being able to pull yourself out of a doubt ridden quagmire is a useful skill. Even more beneficial is an ability to hone in on a sense of clarity before that flip-flopping confusion can even start manifesting. There are several tweaks we can start making on a daily basis in order to learn how to make use of the many healing properties clarity has to offer.

 

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Be Mindful

Having a mindful moment is as valuable as any nutritious meal or much needed back adjustment. Mindfulness has many uses and if employed correctly can influence life in a expansive ways. Mindfulness is an exercise in paying attention to the present moment in a manner that highlights observation as opposed to giving credence to judgement an criticism. Being mindful allows you to take in what is happening around you in a way that showcases feelings of gratitude and trust. Without mindfulness, clarity cannot be fully realized. And as mindfulness is used on a daily basis with thoughtful execution, you will start to realize that the greatest source of clarity is within yourself and not from outside sources.

 

Trust Your Intuition

The essence of who you are is not the sum of your likes or dislikes, and it is not your gender or your hair color. Your true essence is that knowing voice inside you, that pulsating hum of awareness that is always there and always present. Without identifying your core self you cannot truly trust your intuition. Your intuition rests in the essence of your core. Knowing what your intuition is saying involves pausing in order to wholeheartedly listen to that deeper identity.

 

It’s OK To Be Wrong

Part of life is failing. Falling short is unavoidable and without that experience it is impossible to know what clarity feels like. The contrast of learning how it feels when you make a wrong decision is invaluable because it shows you where you failed to follow your intuition. Being present with your failures and accepting them as stepping stones can be a perfect way to view the potential to learning how to foster more clarity. Clarity doesn’t mean making perfect decisions all of the time. Clarity means you are going with the flow of life and you are allowing the chips to fall where they may. Without gripping and forcing life, we learn to let the current of trust and safety carry us through challenging decisions.

Train neurons to proliferate happiness

 

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As a therapist, I often wonder how a client can feel better after a session that involved them talking about so many negative things.  Talking about the uncomfortable aspects of life can be important, but only inasmuch as we can balance that with positive emotional encounters. Our brain is a powerful tool and our mind is a valuable compass. Acknowledging the reality of any given situations without getting caught up in emotional derailments is an important skill to have. Seeing things for face value is a way to keep our reactions in check. The only way we can learn to do this is if a shift happens whereby we start giving positive moments the credence they deserve. Most of us push away happy feelings or dismiss them before positivity can flourish. Other times we go to the opposite extreme and externally tout these good experiences as a way to gain attention or praise ourselves without honoring the sacred nature of what it means to hold positivity in a congruent manner.

 

Learning how to sustain positive emotions takes practice. Forging a relationship with bliss requires you to look at the rituals that connections that fill your life. Positive emotions already exist inside of ourselves, we don’t have to change anything about our lives in order to harness the potential of building our brains out of blissful states. The goal is to allow joy to radiate. Let happiness sink in just as if you were trying to savor a decadent brownie that melts slowly in all corners of your mouth. After practicing how to allow feelings of peace to grow, you will be able to go through life without being derailed by negative emotions. When faced with a positive emotion such as gratitude or a feeling of fulfillment, stay with that mode of functioning in the brain and allow bliss to be your fuel.

Sensory enhancement theories have a new study to back up claims that could help further research on how we can improve our sensory perceptions. Hearing impaired individuals, for example are thought to be able to achieve a higher level of adaptability when it comes to the other functioning sensations. This study asserts that sensory changes in blind mice show improved hearing. To translate that to humans, it is thought that small encounters of visual obscurity could allow someone to learn a new way of taking in sounds for the purpose of adapting to the world around them.

 

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From a very informative piece by Scientific American, we learn that brain cells are able to adapt in ways we previously were not aware of. They wrote:

 

The researchers played sounds of different frequencies and intensities to the mice, and watched how their brain cells reacted. The results “showed that neurons in visually deprived animals can ‘hear’ much softer sounds” than in control animals, says Lee. “They also have much finer discrimination ability as far as identifying pitch goes.”

 

These fortifying neuron connections were originally thought to occur in early stages of development. Our brains are constantly evolving. The way we think and feel changes the our relationship with the world. Knowing that our brains can adapt and connect to neurons in new ways, helps us to understand the importance of mind/body health for the purpose of creating and sustaining wellness for as long as we can.

There is new research that claims human emotion can be reduced to four basic feeling states: sad, happy, afraid/surprised, and angry/disgusted. Our DNA is thought to be the reason for these specific emotions, as we lean to fit in socially for a better chance of survival.

 

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Emotion can be thought of like colors painted on a canvas. There are primary colors and from those basic pigments come the other hues. Complex categories of colors have morphed from these simpler samples because of our need for relationships. Social interaction requires us to strive for connection. The glue that connects individuals is their emotional resonance with one another.

 

Pay attention to the way you feel. Then pay attention to the way you present your emotions to those around you. The way you express yourself is the way in which you connect with others. In order to connect with someone on any human level, there needs to be a sharing of authenticity. Without awareness of the feelings that comprise our emotional pallet we cannot freely express ourselves. And without the freedom to express ourselves fully, we fall into the trap of making inauthentic choices. The best emotion is the most honest emotion because when we are honest with ourselves we can be honest with those around us.

Have you ever looked at a choice you made and wondered what led you to the outcome? Looking back at a bad or a good decision causes us to see where we’ve placed our attention. The focus of our attention determines the route by which we operate in the world. Awareness of where our focus originates helps us to make better choices, and this process of awareness is the key to understanding how to approach the world with more positivity.

 

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Know what fuels you

As important as it is to be aware of the food we put in our bodies, it is equally important to see what emotional factors fuel our actions. This awareness ignites a process that connects you to your goals. On a microscopic scale, the small choices we make effects larger choices. Each mundane factor and seemingly unimportant decision holds the key to shed light on why you do what you do. Knowing what you put into your body allows you to see what you use for energy. Awareness of how your thoughts operate and what they are operating from is an instant connection to your purpose. Every moment is a chance to understand where energy is being created and where it is being wasted.

 

Emotional and psychological fuel comes in all shapes and sizes however, the main categories of motivational fuel are easily separated into two camps: Love or Fear. Loving choices start with the self-care you give yourself. Either you are acting out of love or reacting out of fear. When you are about to argue with someone or entertain a self-loathing thought, ask yourself “what fuels this for me?” Ask yourself this question honestly and think of the true reason for your motivations. Once you’ve been able to dissect the type of fuel being used then you can begin to shop around for the optimal fuel that will get you the results you want.

 

You decide what goes into your body and you decide what motivations shape your daily interactions. Knowing what fuels you, based on how you give and receive love, is the best way to allow yourself to flourish in better feeling outcomes. The energy that makes up your choices is the sum of your happiness and taking responsibility for your own happiness is a powerful way to live the life you were meant to live.

Conversation patterns that stop conflicts before they start

 

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It’s better to avoid setting a flame than having to scramble to look for a fire extinguisher while your kitchen is ablaze. The heat of conflict is part of every relationship, but preventing an argument before it begins is a skill more valuable than knowing how to put out a fire. The process of resolving conflicts has the potential to be a positive experience for a couple. Learning from past conflict resolutions is the key to preventing arguments from initiating. Knowing what has worked in the past is the place to start if you want to know how to prevent a blowup from happening.

 

It is important to keep in mind that an argument is never about the thing you are fighting about but rather the way in which the conflict is resolved. If both people continue to hash out their side of the story without seeking for resolutions then they are missing the point. When you are in a relationship with someone the fighting and the arguing is an opportunity for connection. Growth and cohesion comes from mutual problem solving whereby each member of the couple plays a part in solving the disagreement.

 

Recurring conflicts indicate underlying deficits in problem-solving abilities. Never loose sight of the opportunity to learn something from each relationship hurdle. Once you know the patterns of how issues typically escalate within your relationship then it’s time to strategize with your partner. The most cohesive moments for a couple happen when both lovers are calm and feeling safe. Moments of serenity are the stage for preventing future arguments. When your partner in a state of low-stress and high-concentration, initiate a conversation about how to accommodate each other’s needs. This produces a different way to communicate that is not charged with intense dialogue and hurt feelings. Establishing a pattern where one partner responds to the other’s requests without negative emotion is the manner by which issues are resolved. Also, remember that it’s okay to ask for what you want and have the other person solely respond to your request. Just because your partner comes to you with a request doesn’t mean it’s also time for you to unload. Stay focused on what the request is and set a separate time aside for your issue to be resolved at a different time.

 

Cohesive couples use a strength-based approach to conversations. Instead of critiquing one another, both should work towards a common goal of looking for ways to change patterns of conflict. Don’t wait for a fight to feel emboldened to ask for what you want. Be proactive and shift conversation patterns to a place that feels both safe and resilient so that you can enjoy your time together and not waste energy putting out fires.