There is new research that claims human emotion can be reduced to four basic feeling states: sad, happy, afraid/surprised, and angry/disgusted. Our DNA is thought to be the reason for these specific emotions, as we lean to fit in socially for a better chance of survival.

Emotion can be thought of like colors painted on a canvas. There are primary colors and from those basic pigments come the other hues. Complex categories of colors have morphed from these simpler samples because of our need for relationships. Social interaction requires us to strive for connection. The glue that connects individuals is their emotional resonance with one another.

Pay attention to the way you feel. Then pay attention to the way you present your emotions to those around you. The way you express yourself is the way in which you connect with others. In order to connect with someone on any human level, there needs to be a sharing of authenticity. Without awareness of the feelings that comprise our emotional pallet we cannot freely express ourselves. And without the freedom to express ourselves fully, we fall into the trap of making inauthentic choices. The best emotion is the most honest emotion because when we are honest with ourselves we can be honest with those around us.

Have you ever looked at a choice you made and wondered what led you to the outcome? Looking back at a bad or a good decision causes us to see where we’ve placed our attention. The focus of our attention determines the route by which we operate in the world. Awareness of where our focus originates helps us to make better choices, and this process of awareness is the key to understanding how to approach the world with more positivity.

Know what fuels you

As important as it is to be aware of the food we put in our bodies, it is equally important to see what emotional factors fuel our actions. This awareness ignites a process that connects you to your goals. On a microscopic scale, the small choices we make effects larger choices. Each mundane factor and seemingly unimportant decision holds the key to shed light on why you do what you do. Knowing what you put into your body allows you to see what you use for energy. Awareness of how your thoughts operate and what they are operating from is an instant connection to your purpose. Every moment is a chance to understand where energy is being created and where it is being wasted.

Emotional and psychological fuel comes in all shapes and sizes however, the main categories of motivational fuel are easily separated into two camps: Love or Fear. Loving choices start with the self-care you give yourself. Either you are acting out of love or reacting out of fear. When you are about to argue with someone or entertain a self-loathing thought, ask yourself “what fuels this for me?” Ask yourself this question honestly and think of the true reason for your motivations. Once you’ve been able to dissect the type of fuel being used then you can begin to shop around for the optimal fuel that will get you the results you want.

You decide what goes into your body and you decide what motivations shape your daily interactions. Knowing what fuels you, based on how you give and receive love, is the best way to allow yourself to flourish in better feeling outcomes. The energy that makes up your choices is the sum of your happiness and taking responsibility for your own happiness is a powerful way to live the life you were meant to live.

Conversation patterns that stop conflicts before they start

It’s better to avoid setting a flame than having to scramble to look for a fire extinguisher while your kitchen is ablaze. The heat of conflict is part of every relationship, but preventing an argument before it begins is a skill more valuable than knowing how to put out a fire. The process of resolving conflicts has the potential to be a positive experience for a couple. Learning from past conflict resolutions is the key to preventing arguments from initiating. Knowing what has worked in the past is the place to start if you want to know how to prevent a blowup from happening.

It is important to keep in mind that an argument is never about the thing you are fighting about but rather the way in which the conflict is resolved. If both people continue to hash out their side of the story without seeking for resolutions then they are missing the point. When you are in a relationship with someone the fighting and the arguing is an opportunity for connection. Growth and cohesion comes from mutual problem solving whereby each member of the couple plays a part in solving the disagreement.

Recurring conflicts indicate underlying deficits in problem-solving abilities. Never loose sight of the opportunity to learn something from each relationship hurdle. Once you know the patterns of how issues typically escalate within your relationship then it’s time to strategize with your partner. The most cohesive moments for a couple happen when both lovers are calm and feeling safe. Moments of serenity are the stage for preventing future arguments. When your partner in a state of low-stress and high-concentration, initiate a conversation about how to accommodate each other’s needs. This produces a different way to communicate that is not charged with intense dialogue and hurt feelings. Establishing a pattern where one partner responds to the other’s requests without negative emotion is the manner by which issues are resolved. Also, remember that it’s okay to ask for what you want and have the other person solely respond to your request. Just because your partner comes to you with a request doesn’t mean it’s also time for you to unload. Stay focused on what the request is and set a separate time aside for your issue to be resolved at a different time.

Cohesive couples use a strength-based approach to conversations. Instead of critiquing one another, both should work towards a common goal of looking for ways to change patterns of conflict. Don’t wait for a fight to feel emboldened to ask for what you want. Be proactive and shift conversation patterns to a place that feels both safe and resilient so that you can enjoy your time together and not waste energy putting out fires.

Learning how your partner communicates can lead to greater couple cohesion

It’s challenging to learn a new language. New vocabulary, endless grammar rules, exceptions to those rules, and the immersion it takes to fluently speak a non-native language, requires complete dedication. Sometimes, learning a new language can take years and years of practice. Learning how to speak a foreign language is a lot like learning how to communicate with your significant other. As most of us know from experience, effective communication skills are the key to healthy relationships. Miscommunication is often a significant source of chronic bickering that can sometimes lead to relationship apathy, or even a breakup.

Almost daily, moments arise in our relationships in which we reach a state of confusion about what our partner wants and needs. Relationships take work mostly because communication skills take work. Depending on mood, time of day and maybe even what you’ve eaten or not eaten for lunch, there are impending risks of communication breakdowns. It is in those moments of stress and fatigue that fluently understanding and speaking your lover’s language can make the difference in the overall satisfaction and success of your relationship.

A word to the wise: it is of utmost importance to remember when trying to fine-tune your communication practices with your partner that no one communicates effectively 100% of the time. Therefore, the skills of empathy and patience are bare necessities when it comes to learning your partner’s language nuances so that you can both teach each other how you would like to interact, in and out of conflict. This process actually brings to light not just how your other half should speak to you, but how you choose to speak to your partner.

The following are some simple tips to help guide you on your path to learning a new language so that you and your partner can enjoy the art of conversation by breaking the patterns of miscommunication.

Pay attention to what your partner needs (even if they are having a hard time asking for it)

We all want to be one step ahead in the game of life, and in relationships it’s no different. Sometimes we can sense what our partner needs before even they themselves recognize it. Trying to be one step ahead of your partner in terms of physical and emotional needs is going to help both of you communicate without a major blowup.

Patience is your greatest tool

Often, a gesture that you are trying to understand someone’s point of view can be more valuable than anything you can verbalize. When you genuinely attempt to understand a person’s point of view, and where they are coming from, it can quickly diffuse a potentially explosive situation.  When people we love don’t agree with us it may sting a little, but hearing our perspective outright dismissed before it gets heard is a huge upset. Having the patience and maturity to hear your true love’s side of the story is not only a sign of respect, but also an adult thing to do.

Build a tolerance for strong emotions

In between the words we say, there is unspoken emotional coloring. There is a tone to the way we speak, as well as historical context that predisposes us to focus on certain aspects more than others.  Being able to function amid strong sentiments allows you to tolerate and accept things that are hard to hear. Sometimes, negative patterns and ways of interacting need to be pointed out and identified.  Learning to listen to challenging statements made by our partner helps us to learn how to express ourselves in highly emotional situations, even if there is potential to hurt the one we love.

Learn when to problem-solve and when to just listen

Sometimes it’s just best to keep quiet. When tempers are boiling and your skin begins to crawl out of anger or frustration, it is wise to take a time-out. Conversations can be a helpful tool for finding solutions, but there are moments when it is best to stay silent in order to save ourselves from saying things that we might regret down the road. Even if something has been said in anger, and even if we didn’t completely mean it, it’s been said.  It can’t be unsaid.

Communication happens regardless of if your mouth is moving

Sometimes a mere glance, a telling sigh, or a slight shift in the body can convey a wealth of knowledge. The things we don’t say sometimes speak volumes. Keep in mind that body language can be a tool in your arsenal of communication. Loving gestures, tender caresses and tight hugs can mean more than any form of verbal validation.